


Bloom

by violetjosh



Category: Twenty One Pilots
Genre: Amnesia, Anxiety Attacks, Blowjobs, Conspiracy, F, First Kiss, First Times, Friends to Lovers, Gardening, Hurt and comfort, Kissing, M/M, Mental Illness, Minor Character Death, Obsessive Behaviour, Overthinking, Virginity, Walmart, small town
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-23
Updated: 2020-02-23
Packaged: 2021-02-28 05:09:04
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 19,542
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22868410
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/violetjosh/pseuds/violetjosh
Summary: Tyler thinks his garden wants to eat him.
Relationships: Tyler Joseph/Josh Dun
Comments: 4
Kudos: 27





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> posting old drafts that i’ve just finished up. this is from a year and a half ago and it’s a bit weird but accept it for what it is haha

The dirt is supple, malleable with even the softest hands and easily pierced with a dull edged shovel. Tyler uses this to his advantage to root himself into the ground. 

He wants to grow, flourish, bloom. Tyler wants to be more and to grow and to flourish and to bloom is to be more, he will be more. 

Tyler will be a parallel to the dandelions that grow in his backyard, on his front lawn. He will never stop, he will multiply but the difference is that his roots will be deep. They will delve into the scary dark of the dirt and twist and search and find and hide. He will hide everything. 

In his backyard, there's a large oak tree with peeling bark and sick branches and this tree is so weak that he's reminded that when he finally grows his roots, he may also become sick. When he finally makes himself at home beneath soil he will be crying. 

This is exactly what almost happens. 

* 

It's raining when he wakes up. 

Tyler's nose bleeds. 

The blood soaks through the wet cloth he's pressed against his nostrils. He'd woken up to the taste of iron in his mouth and he'd smacked his lips together until he realized that he couldn't just leave it. He'd choke on his own blood and die if he did. 

His journey to the bathroom had been a fast one, despite his eyes being tired and his body's protest to move out of his bed. He needed to clean his face. He needed to stop the blood flow from his nose. 

Now, the blood has completely soaked through the thin cloth and Tyler's head is ringing, it aches as if he's been punched. It's bearable to some extent and it's better if he tilts his head back just a little bit. His couch would be ideal for this position but he'd returned to his bed in hopes of his nose bleed calming down. 

It hasn't and Tyler needs something. He needs to do something. 

He's prone to nosebleeds, this is a common occurrence so he's not sure why it's worse than usual. It's too spontaneous, too much blood. 

"Shit." He whispers, blood drips down to his lips again. He licks it up. 

The desire to do something seems to strike him again in that moment, the taste of iron on his tongue and the musk of rain radiating from half open windows. He doesn't know what but he knows it needs to happen. 

He shrugs it off, it feels important but it's not. This is something that's as common as his nose bleeds, belittling situations. He's guilty of this on many accounts. 

Tyler ends up back in the bathroom, that's where he needs to be. It's what he wants so he goes there and leans over the sink, bloody cloth thrown into an overflowing laundry hamper. 

Blood drips over the pristine white of his sink, dirties it. 

* 

He lives in a small town, but even-so. They still have a walmart. 

It's bigger than the mall they have, if you can even call it that and Tyler's going on his 4th year working there. 

There won't be a celebration but in his head Tyler knows that everyone is happy he hasn't quit yet. He gets stuck doing all the floor work that no one else wants to do. He does everything. 

Today, he's in charge of restock. Tyler is stacking cans of beans on shelves. And then later he'll be restocking bread and then eggs and maybe he'll be sent to the toy section to reorganize the messy shelves children have left behind. 

Either way, Tyler will do it, he's a jack of all trades and his job lacks any real description. His interview had been for a cashier position, that's what he applied for but when they told them they had a new position open and it wasn't a cashier, he still, immediately said yes. 

Tyler—like everyone else, has bills to pay. He lives alone, no one to help him. He needs a job even if it's just Walmart. 

Surprisingly Walmart is a very stable job. He plans on working there forever, it's safe, especially for someone who lacks a good education. 

His morning is spent doing what he expects, restocking food. Tyler does this in silence, that's how he likes things. His manager had told him once. "You can bring earbuds if you want kid, this gets boring." 

Tyler had only frowned. He would've brought some if he wanted to, he didn't want to and he still doesn't. Tyler likes the quiet chatter of costumers, he likes the loud blare of the air conditioner. 

When he's sent to the beauty section, the silence is deafening. Away from all the produce, it's quiet. 

He sighs once he's stood in front of shelves, makeup overflows off of them. Tyler is stuck, overwhelmed by the sheer quantity of different products. It's completely unfamiliar. He's never had a girlfriend, or a boyfriend or really known anyone who's worn makeup other than his mother. 

She doesn't count. 

Tyler is stuck putting away elf concealers and expensive mascaras for an hour before he's sent to the hair care section, among hair dye. 

There's a man crouched down by the coloured hair dye, hair a soft curly brown, but Tyler pays no mind to him. He needs to restock the black dye. He wonders if it would suit him. His gut is telling him yes and his fingers pause for a moment as he lifts box to shelf. 

"Huh." He huffs, thumbing over the models face. If he didn't like his hair black he could just as easily shave it off. 

"Go for it man." The man who was crouched is now standing, he holds bright pink dye in his hand, along with an even brighter orange. 

Tyler turns, slowly, he blinks. "Oh- no, I uh-work here." 

"Yeah...........I know, you're wearing your uniform." The man says it slowly, as if Tyler can't understand. "Still, it would suit you." He shrugs. 

"I'm just doing my job." Tyler says. 

The man ignores his statement. "You get an employee discount right?" 

Tyler only uses it on groceries, it's only 10% off but at least that's 10% he's saving, he nods. "Yeah, it's not very good though." 

"Cool." And the man leaves with a scratch to his scalp. 

And Tyler frowns before shoving one of the black boxes of hair dye to the side. He needs to do this, the man is right, it'll suit him. 

He needs it. 

* 

Dark dye sticks to the gloves he's slid on, the substance already thick through his hair, doing what needs to be done. 

The smell is probably the worse part for most people but Tyler like's it for some reason. It smells right to him. Ammonium in the air. He doesn't even bother pushing open his window, Tyler inhales it all. 

He's careful not to touch anything other then his hair once he starts the dye job. Tyler is rebelling, this is new and exciting for someone who's life lacks all excitement. 

A change in appearance is what he needed and when he showers, black dye diluting in the water to a dull grey he feels a sense of pride. 

This is it.

* 

No one notices. Tyler's fine with this, his natural hair was already a dark brown, a few shades darker does not make him a new person even though he is a new person. 

Tyler is new, he is growing. 

It's not drastic, just a small change and Tyler's happy with it. 

The black is dark but it doesn't wash him out, he's naturally very tan especially since it's summer. He glows. He will continue glowing. 

Black hair suits him. 

* 

During his day off Tyler inspects his backyard from the safety of his porch. It's home to the remnants of his mother's garden. He hasn't touched it since she's been gone.

It used to be beautiful, flowers grew and tangled and made his backyard green and lush. They no longer do this, they just barely grow now. 

It's not beautiful, the grass is dead, the dirt is dry, the flowers do not grow. And they will not grow until Tyler does. 

There's one single flower, a yellow carnation. Even so, it's dying, falling to the side. 

He's not sure what he's done wrong, this is another problem. It needs to be fixed. Maybe he should be tending the garden but the dirt is too soft. It's like he's sinking when he steps foot on long grass. 

Tyler doesn't want to sink. It's a fear of his, the garden will fucking eat him if he goes back there, eat him like it did to his mother. So Tyler never goes back there, he just watches as his mother's yellow carnation starts to wilt.

He'll watch the rest of the flowers grow and flourish and bloom come spring time. 

That's what Tyler wants. For himself more than anything. 

* 

Another nose bleed wakes him up, this one is inferior to the first one. 

There's less blood and the only reason it wakes him up is because he sleeps on his side and once again blood had trailed into his mouth. He welcomes it this time, presses it against his gums before swallowing. The taste is inviting. 

He presses a cloth to his nose and takes wobbly steps to his living room, the tv is still on. Stuck on the nature channel. 

Tyler accepts this, the remote control is too far away and he's too dizzy to grab it. 

The nose bleed makes him weaker, he's fine with this. He curls up on the couch, tucking his feet between the couch cushions before pulling a blanket over himself. 

"Here we are seeing the growth of several tulips speeded up by the use of the time lapse camera." 

Tyler drearily looks at the tv, his eyes water. The tulips get bigger. The process is long but right now it's fast, moving in front of Tyler's eyes. 

These could be his tulips, he could plant some and watch them grow just like this. 

This could be him. 

"Flowers contain the reproductive organs of our more highly developed plants and are important." 

"Flowers produce seeds and seeds in turn develop into new plants." 

Tyler thinks of sex in that moment. Nails and scratching and rough lips. A bed that squeaks and a headboard that slams and slams and slams into the wall until it breaks the surface of paint. The paint would chip and Tyler would orgasm and then he would cry because it's wrong, it's so far from being right. 

Like plants, humans can reproduce but unlike plants they have to be intimate to do it. Tyler doesn't want to have sex to grow and multiply and plant his own roots. For what he wants, no, needs to do he doesn't have to have sex and he won't. 

He knows he doesn't need to. 

It's obvious. 

It's more obvious when he closes his eyes, the couch takes him hostage for the night. A comfort to his back. The TV is background noise. 

"The tulip develops a bud which develops into the mature flower seen here." 

* 

He chooses a flower, chooses multiple. That's the first step, the most important one. How can one grow without a stem, without seeds, with nothing? He strives to be a flower, to grow. 

Flowers answer his questions, he needs them. 

The process, albeit lengthy is Tyler's favourite part. He lives in the library for the next week. When he was younger his mother would drop him off here and go off with one of the many men she would bring home, she said. "I'll pick you up later sweetie, mommy has a friend she needs to go see." 

Naïve. Tyler would and scamper off with a smile but not before his mother planted a big wet kiss on his cheek. Naive, he would do what was asked of him because she wouldn't leave without reminding him about her garden. "You need to know about flowers, so you can help me plant them later." 

A big book of plants, an encyclopedia of flowers would press against knobbly knees and big brown eyes would digest every word. Names to pictures and pictures coasting through his mind to make links with the flowers he already knew. 

His mother's garden flourished at the time, carnations and lillie's and roses. It was pretty, absolutely budding. Tyler wasn't allowed to touch it but his mother promised one day he would. If he learnt the flowers. 

He can't even look at it now, can't put feet to soft dirt. And hands to prickly stems. 

The librarian, she smelt of liquorice and walked with a small limp. Still, she was nice, Margaret was nice. 

She would take him by the hand and lead him around the maze of bookshelves to the gardening section. "This ones good." She'd said with a genuine smile after pulling him out a book about the basics of gardening. "Great for beginners." 

She would find him books that an 11 year old could read with ease and Tyler would read them without a second thought. She gave him good recommendations. 

She would also give him lollipops when he left and set aside books she thought he would like. After frequenting the same library for two years, three years and then four years. You get to know the staff, Tyler was no exception. 

Margaret was the nicest old lady he'd ever met and somehow he'd learnt to appreciate her guiding him, teaching him. She was more of a mom than his actual mother was.

And then he wasn't allowed to go to the library anymore. He learned this the hard way, his mother told him to stop, he didn't listen, and then she made him listen, and slowly, he stopped showing up. It was too far a walk without his mother driving him anyways. 

The library was his home, his tiny piece of heaven outside of the hell that was his house. 

Today he is home again, his raincoat dangles off of him and droplets of water slide down, down, down his sleeves and onto the tops of his shoes. And once he's inside his jacket is pulled off and wrapped around his waist in a tight hug. 

The librarian, he once knew is gone, Margaret's plump figure no longer resides where it once did, there is a man at the front desk, scanning a child's book instead. Tyler scrunches up his nose and heads to the gardening section with quick footsteps. It's fine. 

He knows what he's looking for; names, he needs names. Tyler is aware that flowers hold a certain meaning, and colours mean something. Tyler doesn't agree though, symbolism and mythology hold no importance to him. The choice of flower will be a gut instinct, he'll know when the flower he needs has been chosen. 

Fingers tips skim over soft and hard binds of books and he has to tilt his head to read titles. He pulls out the biggest book there is, the thickest one. It will hold the most information. 

Tyler holds it tight to his chest, this book is a manuel to growth, this book is his guide and he will protect it. 

He doesn't even bother opening it, he just knows that this is the book he needs. The flowers will guide him from here. 

"Gardening?" The librarian asks politely when he approaches him, he's looking at him as he gently takes the book from his hands. 

Tyler shakes his head, he hates the way the man is looking at him so he busies himself by patting down his pockets for his library card. 

"Oh do you not speak? Are you mute?" The man asks, Tyler hears the familiar beep of a scanned book. He's reminded of his childhood. 

A frown meets his lips, his eyes meet grey ones. "I'm not mute." 

"Sorry." The man laughs nervously, he feels bad. "Library card?" 

Tyler passes it to him. 

The man swipes it and hands it back. "You have three weeks." And then his book is being passed back to him and Tyler feels complete. 

"Thank you." He says. He has three weeks, a time limit to grow himself like he needs to. This book will help. 

* 

His house is small, sharp corners, old furniture and his wall paper peels. His mother chose this, she liked it at the time. 

Tyler likes it too and when he toes off his shoes and curls up on the couch, it squeaks under his weight. 

The trailer park he lives in is a small one and he is one of the few that has an actual house, albeit it being just a fraction bigger than every one else's trailers. 

He lives on the very edge, his backyard is small and generates into a forest with tall trees and wild life. 

And at night he hears howling and hissing when he presses his ear to the windows. 

At night Tyler tosses and turns and groans and dreams of a mother that gave up her body for him to live. 

* 

Dreams come tonight too, it's real, it's so fucking real. 

Rain falls, pushes down with an intense pressure on his withering body. He drowns beneath it, soil eats him. His feet are one with the earth and the earth is pulling him down where he belongs. 

It's moist and searching for him. The roots he is meant to grow pull him, wrap around him as though they are a comfort to soft skin when all they do is rub poor skin red and raw. 

There's blood. 

Tears on his cheeks, he is pulled under, and he grows. 

*

Tears on his cheeks, Tyler is awake vomiting in his toilet. Hands grasping ceramic and when he's done his knees shake and his head is dizzy. 

Sleep doesn't not reach him after that, he spends the rest of the night on the couch, knees safely to his chest. 

* 

The first flowers he learns about upon revisiting his past childhood obsession are aconites. 

He's sat the book on his lap, using the few minutes he has before he goes to work so he can read. Start what needs to be started. 

Tyler likes these ones before he reads about them and how to garden them. They're bright and colourful and Tyler would love to watch one grow. The pictures are enough. 

And he likes them more when he learns that they're poisonous, all aconites are dangerous when they come into contact with mucus membrane. They are to be handled with care, with gloves especially. The symptoms he reads about are skin irritation and cardiac and respiratory failure. 

Tyler questions if his mother's ever gardened them. 

Aconite or more commonly known as wolf's bane are flowers that thrive in full or partial sunlight and are best planted in moist soil. They're tall flowers that require a pH level in soil that is neutral to slightly acidic. Tyler knows the soil of his backyard is on the verge of being too dry, the acidity of the dirt is unknown to him. 

Tyler closes his eyes when he finishes reading. His head hurts and he needs sustenance, just reading about the flower is draining. 

The flower book is set on his bookshelf, separated from the other reading material he's collected over the years. This book is special, it means something. 

*

Tyler pushes himself into the gardening section at walmart. 

It's embarrassing, his hands shake as he pushes his shopping cart around. He doesn't know what he needs, yet. He's waiting for that feeling. 

He scans shelves, ones he's stacked, ones he's organized. Gardening looks dangerous from up close, shears, shovels, hedge trimmers, lawnmowers. He has none of these things, not that he needs them, he doesn't. 

His neighbour trims his lawn for him, she smiles and asks if he'd like a trim and he always says yes. Doesn't admit that he thinks the earth will eat him if he steps foot on the soil his mother once roamed.

Not being on the clock is a weird feeling, Tyler makes the most of it and quickly scavenges the section. He needs his grass wet and his dirt moist and pleading for seeds and life. 

A hose is first on his list, he finds one, thick and strong, there are several different settings for the water. The option of having a sprinkler is also considered but Tyler doesn't trust it, he needs to do this himself. The hose is enough, he chooses one and nearly falls over when he holds it in his arms. 

It's what his backyard needs to thrive. 

Tyler bites his lip as he finds a small shovel, it's sharp around the edges, sharp enough to cut, sharp enough to dig. He needs it, he grabs it and places it against the hose. He places it carefully. 

Several other things are thrown into his cart, a trowel, a watering can, gardening forks, a rake, gloves and a hoe. His cart is heavy albeit still looking empty.

He looks for seeds, he needs them for his flowers but walmart lacks what he needs. Surprisingly he doesn't make an effort to look for any, there are better places to get flowers. He needs the best and while walmart supplies him with the gardening supplies he wants, walmart doesn't supply him anything else. 

At the cash, the cashier smiles at him. She knows him, blonde hair in a tight braid as she scans the hose. "Gardening?" He thinks her name is Jenna. 

Tyler smiles, it's genuine. Exactly, she understands. "Yes, like my mom used to do." 

Jenna nods gently, scanning his gloves, they beep. "That's good, i'm glad you've found a hobby." Jenna places them in a plastic bag. 

This is not a hobby, this is everything. "Me too. It's exciting isn't it?" 

She grins and scans more. "I guess so, i'm happy for you Tyler." 

Tyler isn't happy but he smiles anyways. She doesn't need to know, she won't understand how important this is. How important it will be. 

When Tyler gets home, he rips off tags and places all his new tools on the floor beside his book. The sight in its self makes him shiver, makes his knees weaken. 

When Tyler gets home, he sets up his hose and waters the lawn from the safety of his porch. 

When Tyler gets home it starts. 

* 

The flower seeds are ordered online. Tyler needs it to be this way, keep this a secret. Nobody can know what flowers he's chosen for this, for his garden, for his life. 

He doesn't even completely know, he ordered as many as he could with the mindset that he'd know which ones to plant once they arrived.

*

Tyler stands on his porch, his toes curl and uncurl, his nails scratch the grain of wood. 

He eyes the soil, he cries. There's a single flower that's grown this summer, it falls to the side. 

Tyler sobs, his knees give out. 

*

He's eating his lunch in the break room when his boss approaches him with a hefty smile and another person dressed in a uniform identical to his own. 

"Tyler?"

Tyler puts down his peanut butter sandwich. "Yes?" He wipes the crumbs away from his lips, courteous, clean. 

"I need you to train Josh." His manager says, nodding to the man beside him. Josh, he presumes, looks familiar, narrow hips, an amass of brown curls atop his head, piercings. 

Tyler's seen him before, he feels sick. Josh is wrong. 

Josh smiles at him, it's a nervous smile but still a smile. 

Tyler stares at him and then his boss, always his boss. "To do what?" 

"Show him the ropes, let him follow you around for the next few days. He'll be doing the same things that you do." 

"Sure." Tyler nods, careful, he pats the spot beside him. "Eat lunch with me, I have another 15 minutes before I have to get out there." 

"Oh-uh, okay." Josh stutters, his hands holding the straps of his backpack a little too tightly as he approaches him. 

His boss speaks up once more. "You're in good hands Josh, Tyler's trained a few employees. He's good at it." Tyler's trained one employee, not a few but he doesn't dare mention it. He's a jack of all trades, he's stuck doing everything. 

Josh sits across from him, his boss leaves and Tyler takes another bite of his sandwich. 

"I like your hair, black suits you." Josh murmurs, not looking at him, eye contact is a thing of the past. He pulls out a plastic container from his bag. 

Tyler swallows his bite. "It's uh- natural?" Tyler's aware his eyebrows aren't black but dark brown. 

"Dude" Josh smiles at him then, unclasping the lid of his container, pushing his backpack to the floor. "Don't you remember me?"

"Oh." He doesn't know who Josh is, he doesn't know him. He doesn't remember, Josh is just familiar. "I don't-"

"I was like right beside you in the hair dye aisle maybe two weeks ago?" Josh says, excited. Like Tyler likes him, Tyler doesn't, he doesn't know him. "Told you to dye your hair. Can't believe you actually did, jesus." 

Tyler grimaces. Yeah that's definitely why he's familiars. He knows him. "Right." Being around Josh is bad, he can tell. 

Josh silences dramatically when he realizes Tyler's really not in the mood to talk and starts slowly picking apart his lunch. Tyler hopes he also realizes that he doesn't want to talk to him at all, no more words exchanged than necessary. They're co-workers, not friends. Tyler just wants to do his job. Josh is a distraction, or he will be. 

It's obvious in his eyes. 

*

Josh follows him around like a lost puppy as Tyler gives him a tour of areas he'll need to access. He shows him to the staff room, lockers, storage and Josh listens and blinks and agrees with everything he says. 

And then when Tyler is told to go to the change rooms and put away the clothing that customers have rejected, Josh comes with him and Tyler shows him how to find his way round the clothing section with ease. 

"You'll learn the area by heart, you'll have to. You need to know where this stuff goes even if you're not working in this part of the store everyday." Tyler says, pushing a sweater back onto it's appropriate rack. 

Josh nods, leans against clothes. "Wow that sucks." It doesn't get any better, Tyler wants to say, he holds his tongue. 

Tyler shrugs. "You'll be doing the same thing, alone, by this time next week. It's really not that bad." His walkie talkie buzzes in his pocket, he retrieves, it waving it at Josh. 

"And this is how they order you around." Tyler says, waiting for the message to come through. 

He's needed in the toy section. "Well." He looks at Josh. "Let's go then." 

Josh follows. 

*

When Tyler's home he panics as he throws his uniform into his dirty laundry basket. 

He panics as he heats up leftover mac n cheese. 

He panics as he eats. 

There's something about Josh that's not okay, he's going to interfere with Tyler's growth. Josh will be the one to ruin things, ruin Tyler and Tyler, he can feel it. 

Josh will dig him from the ground just as he begins to bloom. Josh is going to fuck him and Tyler is going to hate it. 

He's a nuisance to what Tyler has to do and Tyler doesn't know why. 

So he asks why, he sits on his porch, eyes narrowed on the one flower he has and Tyler asks. "Will Josh ruin me?" Who better to ask then one of the plants that inspire him, it's the only way. 

Yes yes yes yes yes yes yes

The carnation makes no noise but is so loud, as though it's screaming the answer. 

Tyler thinks he understands. Tyler rolls his knuckles and cracks them and Tyler stands and stretches and smiles at his neighbour who's staring at him from her own porch. 

*

He gets another nosebleed. It's bad. 

Blood stains his bed covers in a way he's never seen. 

It lasts a long time, Tyler doesn't even consider a doctor.

A doctor will ruin him more than Josh ever could. 

*

Working with Josh is not awful, Tyler had expected worse and he's still expecting something to happen. It's just a guy feeling, but Josh is nice. 

Josh kind of becomes his partner in crime at work. He's always on time, always carrying the majority of the work and he never complains when they have to lift heavy boxes and bring them over to the hardware section. 

Today Josh is helping him bring two new bikes over to the bike section. "These are nice." Josh says, pushing the bike, wheels turning. Tyler can tell the tires aren't pumped properly. 

Tyler nods. "Do you have a bike?" 

"Nah, honestly can't afford one." Josh shrugs, Tyler's surprised. 

"Do you have a car?" The question is stupid, Josh seems to agree. 

Josh snorts and turns the bike as he curves around the edge of an aisle. "No, I walk to work everyday." This comes as a surprise. 

"How long is the walk?" Tyler asks, staring at the back of Josh's head. 

"Um." Josh pauses, he hesitates but still says. "Like an hour at most, to be fair I take my time." 

Tyler blinks, following Josh's lead as he stops walking. "Dude, what the fuck.Where do you live?" 

"Trailer park." He says and he starts walking again. 

Tyler feels bad, and maybe it's pity, or stupidity but he wants to offer Josh a ride to work in the mornings and after. They work the same shift, they follow the same schedule. It makes sense. It's a good idea, it's a horrible idea. 

He says nothing until they've gotten the bikes secured in there display, locked and placed properly. Josh yawns. 

Tyler talks. "I could give you a ride to work, if you wanted." He's never done something like this before, mostly because he's never had anyone to do anything for. 

Immediately Josh is saying no, wether it's pride or the need to not be pitied, Tyler has no idea. "Oh no." He shakes his head. "It's fine, honestly I like walking so there's no need. I wouldn't want to bother you anyways." 

Tyler wouldn't be bothered, he's insistent. This might be the most he and Josh have ever talked. "C'mon I have a car, it'll literally be an extra 5 minutes whereas you'll get some extra time to sleep." 

"Tyler....." Josh sighs. 

"Josh, say yes. For me if anything, I get lonely during the drive." He likes being alone. 

"How longs the drive?" 

"Like 15 minutes." He grins. "c'mon i'm a very social person. I could use the company." 

Josh snorts. "That's such a lie." 

"Maybe. Just say I can drive you to work in the mornings." 

He seems to take a moment to consider Tyler's proposal before taking a deep breath. "Fine. I would really appreciate it thank you." 

Tyler smiles. 

*

After his shift he goes back to the library but not to return his book, never to return his book. It's his now and he'll pay whatever fee necessary to keep it within his grasp. 

No, he's here to find out what happened. Questions need to be answered, he has to know about her. Where Margaret went and why she's no longer here. He spent his entire summer in this library, this librarian guiding him, showing him new books to read. 

Tyler is curious. 

This is information he needs to know. The need thrums beneath his skin, it's in his blood. 

There's a large desk hidden away in the children's section, a pale woman sits there, she reads and taps the desk with her nails. Tyler figures she is his best bet. Approachable, vulnerable. Easy, she'll tell him what he needs to know.

"Hello." Tyler says slowly, scared to scare her. She reminds him of a doe, jumpy, frail. Her clothes fall off of her frame, Tyler imagines they had once fit her. 

She's not scared, at the sight of him her posture even relaxes. "Hi, how can I help you today?" She's smiling, dark hair being tucked behind pale ears. She's calm, not scared but Tyler can tell she's skittish, ready to bolt at a moments notice. 

He scratches awkwardly at his wrist before clearing his voice. "Um, do you know what happened to the old librarian who used to work here? I came here a lot as a kid, was just wondering if you knew anything about her." 

The girl blinks, her face somehow goes paler, skin as white as paper. "W-which one?" 

Tyler scans her desk, eyes narrowing on a photograph. "Margaret."He clarifies and then points at the framed photograph leaning against a stack of books. 

"That was my grandmother." The girl says shakily, fingers grasping the edges of the picture frame. Tyler immediately searches her for resemblances, he sees none. Is she lying? "She passed last year, from a heart attack." 

"Oh." Tyler should be upset, he blinks. Why isn't he upset? "My condolences." He says as sincerely as he can possibly manage for the time being. 

"Thank you." The girls murmurs, gathering her voice, her confidence. "Do you have any questions about her? Since you were wondering I assume you must have questions." 

Tyler doesn't, he just wanted to know if she was alive or dead. He smiles. "I do, um- U have a few actually. Would you mind talking over coffee, maybe?" 

"Yeah, okay." She says sheepishly, her cheeks flush. Tyler can't understand why. "My name's Nicole. Come back in a few days. We can talk." 

"Tyler." He says, he sticks his hand out. "Nice to meet you."

She shakes his hand, hers is delicate and small in his. "Yes, likewise. Is there anything else?" 

"No, have a nice day." And Tyler is gone. 

*

In the morning he picks Josh up, they live in the same area but Josh's trailer is way further back. Nearly hidden, Tyler nearly gets lost but luckily Josh is waiting outside for him and Tyler can't miss him. 

At the sight of Tyler and his car, Josh is smiling. A backpack slung over his shoulder, he's not even in his uniform yet. Tyler doesn't understand why, it's much easier to just come to work dressed even though they do have a locker room for a reason. 

"Hey." Josh smiles, the car window is open, his voice clear, Tyler leans over the console and pushes open the door. 

"C'mon in man." He says, tries to smile back. 

Josh climbs in, setting his backpack on his lap instead of on the floor. "Thanks for picking me up." 

"No problem, you actually live really close to me." Tyler puts the car back into drive, looking in his mirrors. 

"Really?" Josh pulls on his seatbelt, still looking at him. Tyler can feel his eyes on him and he's not sure he cares. 

"Yeah, i'm that tiny house that you pass by right before entering the park." He wants to look at Josh, meet his gaze but the fear of getting into a car accident is real and even looking away for a few seconds could end both of them up in a really unfortunate position. 

Out of the corner of his eye, Josh's leg starts shaking. "Big tree in the front?" 

Tyler nods, doesn't look at him. "Yeah, we'll pass by it soon." 

"That's a big upgrade from a trailer." 

"Is it bad?" Tyler asks. "Living in a trailer, I mean?" He wouldn't know, he might live by the trailer park but he's never actually been inside one before. 

Josh shrugs, playing with the zipper of his backpack. Tyler's noticed he's constantly using his hands. "Not bad, it's just really cramped. I um-used to live with my parents." He pauses, chewing on his lower lip, Tyler now curious. Josh continues. "Our house was big, is big, I doubt they've moved. But imagine your standard high class family home and double it."

"Siblings?" 

"Probably." Josh sighs, looking out the car window. 

Tyler shouldn't ask but he doesn't know any better, completely unaware that this is a sore subject. "What does that mean?"

"If I have siblings, they definitely have different moms. Let's just say my dad gets around and my moms not smart enough to leave him." Josh doesn't seem to care, he doesn't seem resentful. Tyler tries to mirror those same feelings as he makes a sharp turn. 

"Oh." Tyler bites his lip. 

Josh holds onto the arm of his seat. "Yeah, anyways, growing up in such a big house and ending up in such a small living space takes a while to get used to." 

Tyler nods. "That's understandable." 

There's silence after that, Tyler turns left three times and right five times before he speaks again. "Oh dude, do you want coffee? anything? I usually stop by McDonald's on the way."

Josh is looking at him, Tyler keeps his eyes on the road. "Do we have time?"

Tyler checks, they have 15 minutes. "For sure." 

"Okay." Josh grins. 

* 

Tyler reads his book once more, he's brought it to work today to read during his lunch break and when he'd been in the car with Josh he'd nearly forgotten all about its existence. He brought it today though because It had felt right to stuff it in his backpack this morning so he knew that he needed to bring it with him. 

And when he'd eyed the yellow carnation in his backyard with soft eyes, the flower had whispered a quiet yes. Who was Tyler to disobey. 

So Tyler brought the book and cuddled up in the corner of the break room, away from Josh. Josh who will be here any minute with his chipotle. 

Tyler sighs, pulling the book into his lap and flipping through it. The pages stick under his finger tips. 

He flips by a few flowers, bluebells, daisies, they all hold a certain beauty. All kind to tired eyes. Tyler would like them all in his garden but he doesn't need them. He doesn't know what flowers he'll be planting yet, he ordered so many different seeds, because he didn't know. He's still not sure. 

He stumbles through pages, Anemones, Balsams, Begonias, Forsythia's, Josh walks in then. Loud, he's hard to ignore. Tyler immediately shuts his book, cradling it to his chest and joins him at the table. Josh can't know his plans, this is vital.

"Hey." He says, sitting across from him. 

Josh stares at him, curious before he shrugs and begins unpacking the bag of fast food that's sat on the table. "I got you a burrito, I sorta just guessed what you might like. Sorry if it's bad. Just wanted to thank you for the drive this morning." He pulls out something wrapped and pushes it towards Tyler. 

Tyler blinks, slowly curling his fingers around the shape of the food. "wow-uh that's nice of you. Thank you Josh." 

There's a smile, a crinkle of a brown bag. "No problem man, you've been so helpful. I figured it was the least I could do." Josh pulls out his own burrito. 

"I'll pay next time." Tyler tries to smile as he unwraps his food. Hungrier then he's ever been. 

"Whatever you want dude." Josh murmurs, taking a big bite of his burrito. Chicken falls out of the side along with some sour cream. 

Josh nods at Tyler's book, mouth still full. "You read?" 

Tyler freezes, chews, swallows. "No." 

Josh furrows his eyebrows but says nothing.   
They eat in relative silence for the rest of their lunch break. 

* 

Nicole is shaking when he meets up with her. Her hands are trembling, the cups of coffee suffering from how jittery she is. She's beyond pale, Tyler doesn't understand what's changed. 

He smiles once he closes the distance between them. "Hey, how are you?" 

"I'm fine." Nicole says, attempts to smile, albeit her tone, her entire demeanour implying otherwise. "We can talk in the backroom." She says, she wastes no time and Tyler appreciates it.

"Sure." 

Tyler follows her, she expertly leads them through the library all the way to the back of the building weaving them through the maze of bookshelves. When she opens the door Tyler's reminded of walmart's break room. Except this one is nicer, there are more couches, which is really it's only good quality. 

She ends up leading them over to said couches, pointing at the arm chair across from her. Tyler sits, Nicole sits, and she places their coffee on the table between them. 

"I miss her a lot." Is how she starts, she sighs, already on the verge of tears, her eyes shine with wetness, she's already emotional. "She was great you know? Made the best cookies, had the best advice We were super close, she told me everything." 

Tyler is awkward, he's always been awkward but now it's especially bad. He doesn't understand how to console someone, it's hard for him. He blames this on his mother, she never taught him how to be sincere among all the things she actually did bother to teach him. 

She didn't prepare him for situations like this just like she didn't prepare him for her death. 

Tyler nods. "She took good care of me when I used to come here." 

"Y-yeah." Nicole scratches at her scalp, can't look at him, doesn't even try to make eye contact. "I asked my mom about you." Quiet, still not looking at him. 

Tyler tenses, because he knows that she knows that this something he doesn't like to talk about. This is a small town, people knew his mother, everyone knew his mother, therefor everyone knew him. No one asks him about her. 

Nicole notices his reactions, she leans over and touches his arm. "I'm not going to judge. I- well your name sounded familiar and I know it's none of my business-"

"It's not." Tyler whispers, looking at his hands. 

"Right, it isn't my business but I was curious and I know I had no right to snoop around but I did anyways." 

"What did your mom say?" Tyler picks at his nails. 

"She said that your mom used to drop you off at the library everyday or almost everyday and leave you there for hours." She takes a cautious sip of her coffee. "My grandma used to talk about you a lot, she was always worried about you. Scared your mom would do something." 

"My grandma thought that your mom was um, abusing you." She clarifies.

"That's bullshit." Tyler snorts. It's not true, it couldn't be. 

Her body language shows how nervous she is and so do her eyes. "Tyler-," 

"No continue, what else?" 

Nicole shakes her head. "I don't really think I should, i shouldn't have brought it up. I'm sorry." 

"Tell me." He says. "It's the least you could do." He says this as if Nicole owes him something, which she doesn't but by the way she frowns he knows she'll cave. 

"My mom thinks your mom was killed." 

"I- what? No she didn't, she wasn't murdered. She committed suicide, jumped off a bridge. That's why there wasn't a criminal investigation." 

Nicole stares at him for a moment, and then she shrugs helplessly, nervously, her eyes shut softly. "Yeah, I don't really know. There were a lot of bad rumours going around when your mom was still around." 

"Fuck that, they have no right to talk about her. They didn't know her like I did." 

"Do you miss her?" Nicole asks gently. He's supposed to be talking about Margaret, when did this become about him. He's nothing. 

His mother doesn't exist in his mind, his mother is a figment of imagination despite how often he thinks of her. He hates Nicole's question, nosy, pushy, he hates it. He says. "No. I dont remember her." 

And Nicole has to frown and tuck hair behind her ear. "But it was kind of recent wasn't it? three years ago." 

"I don't remember her." Tyler repeats, annoyed. He wants to hurt Nicole and he doesn't know why. She isn't mean, she just needs to shut up.

"I need to go, i'm sorry your grandma died." He stands, ready to run home. "This conversation was enlightening. I'm glad we talked." 

* 

Picking up Josh in the mornings and dropping him off in the evenings becomes one of his favourite things to do. Somehow he's forgotten why he didn't like Josh, he's great but despite this Tyler still get nervous around him. 

Scared, like Josh is going to do something damaging. Tyler knows he won't but before he leaves in the mornings he swears he hears the yellow carnation in his garden tell him not to. He swears he hears it. But it's easy to ignore nowadays, he wants to see Josh, he doesn't understand why. 

* 

Tyler's waiting for his flowers to arrive, has been for a week and when they finally do he's about to leave for work. About to go pick up Josh. 

His work uniform swallows him, his walmart shirt is too long and too big. He hasn't been eating and he couldn't tell you why. Either way, his skin clings to every bone. 

He pinches the fabric of his shirt, eyes on himself in the mirror. Focusing on the mess that is his hair. His roots are already growing in, brown now fading to the black, it looks choppy if anything but he doesn't have time to realize this because he sees something better, more intriguing, much more important than the state of his hair. 

when he looks out the window he spots a medium sized box clutched between the hands of a mail man. 

A mail man who is walking up to his door. 

Tyler watches intensely, something close to excitement shivering across his body. 

* 

The seeds are hidden beneath his bed in a large tin box before he heads to go pick up Josh. This is good, this is fucking perfect. He has never felt so strongly about something. 

He has never been so terrified, because now he has to plant them. He'll pray that the ground doesn't eat him, he'll fall to his knees and pray to a god he doesn't believe in. 

Convert to a religion he has no faith in for this to work. 

It has to work, although he doesn't even know what it is. 

Tyler doesn't even realize Josh had texted him not to worry, not to pick him up until he's outside of Josh's trailer. 

i'm walking today, i need the exercise haha. don't come get me. I'll see you at work! 

Tyler somehow feels cheated, even with an excuse he finds it odd that Josh didn't want him to pick him up. He thinks about it during the entire drive and accidentally orders a second coffee when he goes through the Mcdonald's drive through to pick up his normal order. 

Josh's hair is bright pink when he meets him in the break room. There's a sense of dread in seeing him, a sense of hatred, Tyler has never hated someone. But right now, Josh isn't his favourite person. 

Tyler's mouth opens in shock when he sees him though, it's unexpected from Josh. Josh reminds him of a puppy, a soft, shy, vulnerable little puppy who follows and listens and wants to make everyone happy. But right now Josh doesn't look soft, shy or vulnerable. He looks like he could kick Tyler's ass. 

And he might but Josh wouldn't, he's not even looking at him; too preoccupied with sliding on his work uniform. 

"Josh." Tyler says, an attempted smile. Always nice to Josh even though he shouldn't be, even though his brain hates him for it, even though the yellow carnation in his backyard would be mad at him, even though his flowers would hate him for it. He knows they do, even the ones he hasn't planted. The feeling is back. 

Josh turns, pulling his shirt down to cover soft skin, a tight stomach. "Hey!" 

"Um, your hair." Tyler doesn't look at him, he slides his bag off his shoulders. "It's nice, it looks good." 

"Really?" He can hear Josh's smile. "Thanks man." 

"No problem." Tyler is awkward, he's never awkward but today he is. He turns to him, willing his cheeks to back to being pale. "How was your walk?" He asks

"Honestly?" Josh looks at him, Tyler nods, can't meet his eyes so he looks behind him. Josh looks intimidating even though they're supposed to be friends. "It sucked, I really like spending time with you in the mornings. It was so lonely, I swear." 

Tyler is prideful, he smiles, he feels better. "Understandable, i'm pretty great." 

No hesitation, Josh smiles and locks his bag in his locker. "You really are." 

"Um, I bought you coffee." Tyler murmurs, picking up the tray from where he'd set it on the counter. 

Josh's smile makes him feel weak, Josh makes him week. "Wow, thanks man. Honestly I need to start paying you back, I swear you've bought me coffee every morning this week." 

"Well," Tyler pauses, a sheepish grin on his lips. "I've gotta find some way to keep you around." 

Josh laughs. Tyler smiles.


	2. Chapter 2

At home he plans in his notebook, a pencil tight in his grip. He sketches out the shape of his backyard, it scares him but he needs to plant flowers so everything will be okay. 

He'll do patches of each, and around the yellow carnation he'll plant more and more of them so the single one is no longer lonesome. 

He'll plant them tonight. 

* 

He's distracted at work but not by flowers, he's distracted by Josh, Josh makes him forget. He's distracted by how Josh keeps touching him, a hand on his shoulders, fingers touching his arm, a hand ruffling his hair. He's hyper focused on everything Josh does, his smile, his movements, his words. At work, he can focus on things that aren't flowers and scary gardens, he can focus on Josh. 

And focus he does. 

He offers to drive Josh home once their shift ends and Josh falls asleep within the first few minutes of them being the car. When they were still in the parking lot, he'd said. "I'm just going to shut my eyes for a little bit." And then proceeded to pass out. 

Tyler forgot Josh was in the car until he was parked in his driveway

Tyler touches Josh's shoulder. "Dude." He whispers, a gentle shake. 

Josh groans, clearly he doesn't want to wake up but Tyler watches as he slowly cracks open his eyes. "Shit," He yawns, looking around as he sits up properly and arches his back. "Sorry, I fell asleep. Today was a long day." 

"Nah it's fine, I um-brought you to mine." As thought it's not obvious. "I can still drive you back home though, I kind of blanked and drove here out of habit." Tyler shrugs like it won't bother him if Josh says no. 

Josh actually smiles at him, ruffling his pink hair. "Yeah sure, it'll be fun."

Tyler nervously nods and leads him inside. Josh stays close to him, eyes narrowing on the old paneling and older porch that wraps around the house. The wood creaks under them as they stand on the porch and the door freaks even louder when Tyler pushes it open. 

* 

He tells Josh about his mom after Tyler changes out of his work uniform. He doesn't know why he does it, but he tells him. The words feel right in the moment. 

"So you live alone?" Josh asks quietly, his eyes are full of wonder and curiosity as Tyler leads them to the living room. He must have questions, it's inevitable. He's made it this far. He'll tell him. 

"Yeah, I live alone." Tyler wants to explain and he doesn't know why, he doesn't understand. He leans against the wall. "Do you want to know about my mom?" He asks, everyone wants to know about her, Josh may be new but he's no different, he wants to know why Tylers alone. "It's okay if you do." 

Josh frowns, he's either confused or intrigued. Tyler can't tell. "Did something happen to her?" 

"She's gone." Is Tyler's answer, he picks at his nails and then his cuticles. His movements are careful and slow. "The town likes to make conspiracies about where she went, cops never got involved." Like Nicole and her family, everyone here makes assumptions. 

"Why?" Josh is staring at him. 

"She was an escort," Tyler says, the words hurt to say, his throat burns. "She jumped off a bridge three years ago." It's the story Tyler tells, the safe one, the one he cherishes. 

Josh pales, mouth opening and closing. Nobody knows what to say. "Shit, I-i'm sorry for your loss." 

Josh is nice, Tyler hopes he cares. Tyler slumps over to the couch. "I'm over it. I just thought I should tell you I guess, before someone else did." He sits beside Josh, close, so close. 

"Do you wanna talk about it?" Josh is so close to him now, he's rubbing his back, he's holding his hand. Tyler doesn't remember when Josh had started touching him. Tyler's blood buzzes under his skin. "I'm not very good at y'know, consoling people but I'm good at listening." 

Tyler doesn't want to talk about it anymore, that sick feeling is back and it's pulsing. "I think I should drive you home." 

Josh raises an eyebrow, ready to object. He's only been here for 10 minutes, but then his features soften, like he's understanding something and he says. "Sure."

And Tyler says. "Sorry."

"It's okay." 

* 

He trembles when he stands on the grass of his backyard, his gardening tools in a large bucket he's struggling to hold. 

After dropping Josh off he'd ran inside his house and hid in his room until sunset and once the sky went dark he'd gathered up what he needed. 

The seeds are like weights in his pockets and the shovel he has is like anchor to the ground. 

He stays away from the yellow carnation for now and ignores the panic in his chest. He's alive, he's safe, nothing bad can happen to him. He falls to his knees beside a bush. The ground is damp and cold and Tyler remembers when flowers used to occupy the very space in front of him. Dozens of them. 

He starts with daffodils. 

He cries the whole time. 

*

Josh isn't at work the next time he goes in, Tyler blames himself even though he knows that Josh just didn't have a shift today. It's easier this way. 

He's at work tomorrow though, Tyler expects him to bring up his mom, Josh buys him another burrito instead. It makes his day. 

*

Last time he drove Josh to his house, he'd brought him home within 20 minutes. This time, he invites him over for supper and is surprised when Josh's cheeks turn pink and he smiles and says yes. 

There's not very much to do at his house which makes him nervous, having Josh over today has him more nervous then he's been in months. They play cards at first, sitting on the floor, face to face, crisscross applesauce. They play black jack, crazy 8's, double solitaire, it's endless and Josh wins nearly every round they play. 

Tyler likes when Josh wins more than he likes when he wins, Josh just does this fucking smile where his eyes scrunch up and it's the cutest thing Tyler's ever seen. After cards Josh orders them food from one of the few restaurants they have and they eat on the floor and ignore that Tyler has actual furniture. 

It's comfortable and it helps, Tyler isn't hyper focused or obsessive about his garden because he's too busy staring and thinking about Josh. 

*

full, Tyler gets Josh comfortable on the couch and goes to take a shower. And  
when Tyler enters his living room after his shower, Josh is fast asleep, a pile of blankets on top of him, his mouth half open and the TV now turned off. 

Tyler tenses, he looks dead. He should leave, the desire to kick him out when he was the one that invited him over doesn't make sense. 

"Josh." Tyler whispers, getting close to him, eyes blinking in the dark. Fingers tracing up and down a strong arm as he falls to his knees beside the couch to make this easier.

He needs it easy, less complicated, Josh has to go-no, he needs to go, he needs to leave and quit his job and never see Tyler again. Tyler breathes heavily, pokes Josh's forehead. "Please." He says, as though it would make a difference. 

He shouldn't have invited Josh here. 

He gives him a gentle shove. "C'mon." He groans. "Get up, Josh." 

Josh groans too, his body shifts, he moves but not because he's getting up. He rolls onto his stomach, face towards the wall, arms reaching underneath a stray pillow. 

"Josh." Tyler tries again, fingers beginning to tighten around his hair. He doesn't know why he does it. "Josh."

Josh doesn't move. Tyler pulls, hard and Josh yelps immediately sitting up, pushing Tyler's chest. "What the fuck Tyler." He says, bewildered, immediately curling his knees towards his chest, he stares at him. Tyler's on the floor, weight on the palms of his hands, he's panting, he's shocked. "Y-You can't just wake someone up like that, Jesus christ man." 

"Sorry." Tyler murmurs, it's honest and he's still shaking, making no effort to move up from the floor. "I'm so sorry, I just," He wipes at his eyes. "You wouldn't wake up." 

Josh frowns. "It's fine, just don't wake me up like that again. Please." He pulls the blankets Tyler had offered him around his torso, like its cold, freezing. Tyler stares, Josh is shivering, he's not worried but he asks. "Are you cold? Do you want tea?" 

Josh sniffs, rubbing his eyes. Tyler assumes he's been forgiven. "I'm okay. Thank you." 

"Red bull? Coffee?" Tyler offers next. He's trying to be a good host, he hopes he's being good and he hopes Josh agrees. 

Josh mulls it over before timidly nodding. "Red bull please." 

"Sure." Tyler stands. Josh needs to go, why hasn't he asked him to go. He can't be here, Josh is wrong. Still, Tyler doesn't speak, barely even breathes as he grabs him and Josh red bulls from the fridge. 

Tyler drags his feet when he walks into the living room. "I'm putting on the nature channel, sorry if that's boring." Tyler passes him a red bull.

"Why would it be boring? Nature is cool." Josh says, voice raspy. He gracefully accepts the red bull can with a quiet little thank you. 

Tyler blushes but doesn't respond, instead he grabs the remote off the coffee table and flips through channels and then goes to his pre-recordings where his favourite documentaries live. He picks one about wild flowers. 

"I want a garden." Tyler murmurs and places the remote down again. 

Josh peeks outside in the darkness, the window behind the couch gives a preview of what Tyler's mother had started. Josh frowns at him. "I only see one flower." 

"The others are growing, it's all about patience." Tyler doesn't have patience, he needs them now. He needs these flowers, there must be a faster way to cover the ground of his backyard. 

"I'm sure it'll look really nice." Josh says softly, sipping his red bull cautiously. "My mom used to garden a lot, she pulled out all our flowers when our dog died though. Pretty sure she love him more than me."

Tyler's eyes widen in interest. "Your dog died? How?" 

"Oh," Josh is overwhelmed. "Well, uh, i'd have to ask her exactly what happened but, It was this new flower she'd planted like a year beforehand, it bloomed late may and when it did our dog tried to eat it. He got super sick." 

"That's cool." Tyler murmurs. 

Josh blinks at him.

Tyler shakes his head, tries to fix his clear mistake. He tries to be sympathetic "Sorry." He says. "I'm just really interested in flowers right now. I don't think it's cool that your dog you know- died."

"It's fine, that's what I thought." Josh says, tugs on the blanket warming his legs. Tyler's house is freezing even during the hottest of summers. 

Tyler moves to sit on the couch, quiet, nothing left to say for the time being. He expects Josh to move. Expects him to make room for him, his couch is small and Josh is wide spread and taking up a lot of room. Josh doesn't bother moving though, he just stares ahead watching the TV, completely taking up the middle of the couch. 

Tyler decides it's okay, he doesn't bother asking him to move. He just huddles up against him once he's sat down, shoulder to shoulder. Josh needs to leave but Tyler doesn't, he can't get the words out. They share the blanket, Josh peeling it off from around himself to drape over both of them. 

His throat is hoarse, scratchy, he can't talk. Josh is a comfortable weight beside him but even so Tyler takes deep breaths to keep calm. Josh is bad, but Tyler likes him here, he likes that they're touching and he likes that Josh likes him. 

Carefully Tyler looks at him, just a flicker of his eyelids to gaze at Josh. Light stubble dusts his jaw, from up close Tyler can see the freckles that follow by his cheeks and climb up the bridge of his nose. He's incredibly easy to get lost in, even more so when Josh looks at him, realizes that Tyler's staring and says nothing at all. 

Tyler gulps, he should turn away, this is already disastrous. "Sorry." He whispers, carefully diverting his eyes back to the TV. His entire body is hot. 

Josh doesn't look away. Tyler feels sick. 

When he looks at Josh again, Josh leans in, Tyler expects it, he expects it and he's ready to bolt, his legs already prepared to run. But he's frozen and he's not listening to that part of his mind, no. Tyler is leaning in too, Tyler is closing the gap between them. "Um," He mumbles 

Josh looks at him, breath soft to his lips. "Can I kiss you?" 

No. "Please." Tyler murmurs. And then Josh's lips press to his and Tyler melts. 

The addition of tongue isn't immediate, they start slow, so slow, like honey, they kiss, gentle pecks, lower lip to upper lip over and over again, Josh holds his jaw and Tyler shakes underneath his touch. 

Tyler's hands are in Josh's hair when tongue is introduced, it's by Josh, he's initiating everything Tyler never would, he's tracing Tyler's lips and touching his chest and the moment Tyler whines into his mouth Josh is moving and slow turns to fast with a hum of. "God, you're beautiful." 

His cheeks are pink and Josh is turning his body towards his, pressing him back into the couch, his hands on his shoulder, lips hot and wet against his, tongue sliding into his mouth. Tyler gasps at this, he hasn't been properly kissed in years and all he can do is hold onto Josh's shirt, knuckles white as he grips the collar. He needs to focus his energy elsewhere, kissing Josh is betrayal to his own mind. 

He can't focus on anything else. 

There's a tongue sliding along the ridges of his teeth, pressing against his own, and then a soft bite to his lip and Tyler knows there's no way he can say no to anything now. Not when Josh is kissing him like this not when Josh's lips are hot and the pressure of them against his has him breathless and trembling on his own couch.

Then Tyler is moving too, taking initiative and moving into Josh's lap in a swift movement. Josh groans into his mouth, their lips separating for a moment and Tyler realizes he's scared that the moment they stop kissing everything will go wrong. They can't stop. He pulls back for a moment panting, Josh frowns but Tyler shakes his head, a quiet. "It's okay." leaves his lips his and then kisses him harder than before, hands cradling the back of his head, hips pressing downwards. 

The entirety of his body is being used to press Josh into his couch. His hips pushing, Josh's hands holding him. 

Tyler tenses and starts crying when Josh slides his hands down his thighs, his kisses to Josh's lips stunted by the introduction of his own tears. 

He lets out a careful whimper into Josh's mouth and pulls out of the kiss, Josh frowns, still gently stroking his thighs and then his hands are holding Tyler's jaw. 

Tears stain his cheeks, Josh's voice is coarse. "Tyler." He murmurs, wiping away his tears with the pads of his thumbs. Tyler closes his eyes and presses their foreheads together, Tyler sniffs and snot runs down from his nose instead of blood. His body is trembling as Josh's hands stroke up and down his back. 

"Hey." Josh is pulling him in closer, a tight squeeze. Tyler shakes his head, lip quivering and hides his face against Josh's chest, he feels so light. "Tyler, what's wrong?" He asks, voice gentle, far from angry. 

"I-I," Words fail him, he doesn't know what. Just like the kiss, this happens fast too. 

Air stops being taken into his lungs, he can't breathe and it hurts, his entire body shudders, Josh pulls him to his chest immediately as though it's supposed to ground him. Tyler pushes out of his grip, he can't do this. He falls to his back on the couch, legs still on Josh's lap. Josh is talking and Tyler's struggling to get air into his lungs, breathing isn't a natural thing anymore. Breathing, air, Tyler can't figure it out. 

He sees black. 

*

When Tyler turned 17 his mom started to bring her clients home. He watched and watched and watched over and over again as she had sex with them and he'd always throw up by the end of it. He didn't mean to watch, it wasn't on purpose, she'd tell him to go work in the garden like a good boy and then she'd bring old men to her room and have sex with them in clear view of the window. 

The window overlooked the backyard, and the curtains were never closed. Tyler would be knees deep in dirt, hands pushing fertilizer around plants and then look up at their house to see a man touching his mom and then he'd get a nose bleed or vomit or cry, or all three but he'd keep planting flowers and tending to the pre-existing ones because that's what needed to be done. He'd use it as a distraction. 

He was 19, in the garden surrounded by yellow and pink carnations when he heard his mom scream a gut wrenching noise and when he looked up into her window he didn't see her. But it was normal wasn't it? Tyler's had heard her scream before, she'd told him not to worry if she screamed. So Tyler never worried, Tyler tended to the garden until he heard the front door slam. 

He'd moved without thought. Dusted off his knees, his jeans were stained green. And when he'd went to check on her, her face was blue. 

He stood there in shock and then he cried and cried and then he couldn't breathe and then he slid to the flood and laid his mother's head in his lap. Checking her pulse didn't seem necessary when he knew she was dead.

*

Tyler wakes up. Josh's eyes are wet and teary, he's curled around him, he's rocking him and Tyler breathes in likes he's just drowned. "Tyler, you're okay, it's okay." Josh is judging him and Tyler nods. 

"Josh," He croaks, his voice unsteady. Fuck.

The arms around him squeeze. "I almost called an ambulance." He says. 

Tyler nods again and then he cries, he sobs, big wet tears on his cheeks. Josh doesn't falter in his hold and Tyler pushes his face into his chest and sobs, a hand gripping his bicep just to have something, anything, to squeeze. "Sh-Sh-Shes in the garden." Tyler sobs, between breaths. 

"What?"

"My mom." Tyler cries.

Josh tenses and then hushes him again and Tyler cries harder, his whole body shakes as he hides his face against Josh. This goes on until Tyler falls asleep. Josh just keeps holding him. 

*

In the morning, he's been moved to his bed. There's a weight on his chest but it's not a person, he just feels heavy and he can't do anything about it. He doesn't want to be here, he's scared, his mom is in the garden and he doesn't know why he didn't remember it until now. 

He remembers it now, he knows it in a different way then he did before. Because he knew, Tyler knows he knew, he just doesn't know why he didn't do a thing about it. The memory pulses through his mind in flashes. He doesn't want to see it. He doesn't need to, he barely remembers doing what his mind is showing him he did. But he does remember it at the same time, so vividly. Because it happened, he made her a grave. Holy fuck. He dug it. 

And before he knows it or even feels the signs, his whole body tenses and a wave of panic rolls through his body. Starting at his gut and spreading through his body like a virus, Tyler is shaking. Breathing feels impossible, he can't inhale, let alone exhale properly. His whole being is cold and there's a deep feeling of fear burying its way into him as his mind replays things he doesn't remember happening. 

Dirt on his hands. 

His moms head laid in his lap. 

Tyler squeezes his eyes shut and cries as his body tries to get him to calm down, to inhale before he passes out. Still, he can't, he can't do it and he can't feel any part of his body by the time he's in the dark again. 

* 

He wakes up multiple times throughout the night, the routine the same every time. Stare at the ceiling, think, vivid memories start playing, an anxiety attack courses through him, he passes out. 

By the time it's morning everything hurts and even moving feels like a feat. The sun is pushing through his window, illuminating the walls and all Tyler can will himself to do is count his breaths over and over again before he lets himself think of what happened. 

A knock on the door makes him jump, Josh is still here. Tyler wipes at his eyes. "Come in." 

Josh slowly pushes the door open. Tyler brings his knees to his chest. 

"I-uh, made you eggs and toast." Josh says awkwardly, holding a plate. Tyler doesn't know what he was expecting but it definitely wasn't this. He's in awe but he's not hungry, he feels like throwing up. 

"Can you just-" Tyler presses a hand to his forehead, pulls on his hair. "Fuck, put it in the fridge please. I just,—I'm not hungry right now." 

Josh's expression softens, always something pitying about the way he looks at Tyler. Tyler accepts in though and sighs when Josh leaves to put his breakfast in the fridge. He'll be back soon. 

He hides under the covers while he waits for Josh. He can't do this. 

A soft voice comes from the doorway. "Tyler?" 

Tyler shifts and comes out from under the mountain of blankets he's hid himself with. "Yeah." He rasps out.

"I think we need to talk." Josh says automatically, no malice in his tone. And he's right, they need to talk, they need to talk-

"Okay." Tyler might throw up. 

Josh smiles a little bit and gets on the bed, immediately reaching his hand out to hold Tyler's, he sits across from him. And Tyler only now notices how sick he looks, or maybe he's just tired but Josh is pale in a way that can't be healthy. 

They don't talk, Tyler can't say these words out loud. So he kisses Josh, his lips quiver, just a press of their mouths together, he expects Josh to push him off, they need to talk, Tyler's not okay, they're both aware there's something wrong but Josh kisses back full force and Tyler forgets everything for a second and indulges himself. 

Fingers go in pink hair, he move to his knees so he can be closer and Josh smiles against his mouth before his lips are replaced with his hand. Tyler frowns, Josh frowns back. "We need to talk about what you said last night okay?" 

"My mom?"

"Your mom." Josh is gentle. Tyler likes him. 

Tyler might throw up. 

He hides his face against his chest to start. Working up the nerve to talk about this, because he needs to talk about this. He needs to recount it in detail and the words needs to breathe air. Tyler takes a deep breathe. "I don't know how to explain." The words come out in a jumble, Tyler's chest goes all tight. 

"Wouldn't the police do something?"

Tyler shakes his head, numb. "No. I only uh, filed for a missing persons report. And they definitely didn't look." 

"I think I buried her." Tyler tells him, the words heavy and sharp on his tongue. His entire body burns. He hides behind his hands. "She's out there." 

Josh tenses slightly, and for a moment, Tyler is sure he's ruined whatever they have. But Josh just sniffs and envelops Tyler in a hug, and not just a crappy i'm sorry everything is shit hug, but a proper hug that actually makes Tyler feel better, that brings him down to the ground. Josh's arms are around his neck and Josh is also sort of in his lap while Tyler's arms are tight around his waist. 

There's no crying, Tyler doesn't sob, or tear up, but he sniffles and his lips quiver and he's so so lost but this right here, it feels right. Josh holding him, and him holding Josh. This is how it should be.

*

Recognizing what actually happened to his mother, feels like a revelation, and as much as Tyler expects everything to change simultaneously, it doesn't. That's not to say that everything is how it was. 

Things are different. 

There's a body in his backyard. 

He really, really likes Josh. 

He feels like shit, but more so then before. 

And going to work is absolutely dreadful. He doesn't hate his job, there's no way he could, but there's this weight on his shoulders, reminding him that he has a fucking dead body in his backyard. 

His mind is all muddled and really, he knows he should go see someone, he's well aware there's something wrong with him, wether it's just from trauma or just the way he is. He should go see someone, he just can't afford it. 

Josh tells him he should go to the police when Tyler tells him he's not going to see a therapist, or anyone for that matter. "You should tell them what you remember." He's quiet as they talk, the break room at work isn't exactly empty. "They might not suspect you." 

Tyler rubs his forehead, he sighs. "Maybe. But I kind of- wait no, I did," He looks at Josh. "I covered up a murder." 

"I'll get in trouble." Tyler says. 

Josh grabs his hand. "No you won't."

"I'll get in trouble, get arrested, get convicted and end up in jail. I'm the only suspect." His heart rate picks up, he may throw up. So he leans against Josh, forehead to his shoulder, hands clasped together. 

"You should go home." Josh tells him, his voice sincere and touch soft. Josh talks to him like he's fragile, and Tyler can't even be mad about it because he finds himself liking it, he's fragile. 

Tyler looks up at him then, well aware that he should be home. "I need the money." He says, miserably. He'd quit if he could. 

Josh perks up for some reason. "What if-" Tyler furrows his eyebrows, Josh pauses. "Never mind." 

Nodding, Tyler stands up. "I'm going home." 

Josh kisses his knuckles and lets him go. Tyler doesn't know what it means. 

* 

Going home feels like walking into a nightmare. He can barely get out of the car, let alone make it to the porch. This doesn't feel like a home, it's a house, sure, but it's not his home. It's hers. 

It takes him an hour to get himself inside, and once he's in there he runs to his room and hides because there's nothing else he can do. He should move out. 

He hides under the covers, wrapping them around himself, no skin to be exposed, and then he tries to sleep, keyword being tries. 

Sleep doesn't come to him anymore though, when he does sleep though, he only dreams of his mom, but when he's awake, he always thinks of her, which is far more desirable because atleast then he can look back on happy memories. 

Staying up all night becomes a habit, he doesn't do much except for stare at his tv. It's not like he's watching what's playing either, it's like background noise at this point. 

*

"We need to do something." Josh tells him. They're in his car, Josh is curled up in the backseat, Tyler's book of flowers open on his lap, a blanket wrapped around him. He'd bought it from work and instantly had wrapped it around himself when Tyler came to pick him up after work. 

Tyler looks at him through the rear view mirror. "No."

Narrowed eyes meet his, Tyler focuses on the road. 

"I need to return that book." 

Josh closes the book and puts it on the seat beside him. "Okay." Josh looks at him. "Let's go." 

"Now?" 

"Sure. Let's get rid of it." 

Tyler drives them there, it's not far and his hands shake with nerves. He grips the steering wheel a little too tightly and grinds his teeth every time they pull to a stop. He's a nervous wreck and when Josh steps out of the car and intertwines their fingers together he breathes a little easier and lets Josh lead him inside. He lets Josh take the book. Tyler doesn't dare touch it. 

They drop the book off. Tyler watches as Josh drops it down the hatch, his eyes follow every movement and there's a sense of freedom that fills him when it disappears. Another part of his life. Was it his life?

"There." Josh turns to him, a hand touches his shoulder. Distracts him. "It's gone." 

"I don't want to go home." A whisper. 

"We can go to my trailer, you could stay with me for a bit." Josh says, gently, so gentle. His hand strokes up and down Tyler's arm, squeezes at him. Sincere. "Sound good?" 

Tyler says. "Please, yeah. I think that would be easier, better. I don't know."

They take the scenic route if you can even call it that. It was Josh's idea, take all the backroads by the forest, by the fields, where no one lives, where it's quiet and not as overwhelming. The radio makes the smallest amount of noise, somethings playing and Tyler takes joy in the fact that Josh can't help but hum along to whatever it is that's playing. His voice isn't great but it's confident.

The wind funnels through from the tiny openings Tyler's left on each window by the two front seats, it's just enough for his hair to wave around a bit. 

Eventually there's talking, the topic makes Tyler's skin crawl. Inevitably his mom is the topic. "Tell me about your mom." Josh is looking at him now, intense. The way he looks at him, Tyler can't take it. His hands shake.

Tyler can't breathe, his eyes narrow on the road, the words come out brokenly. "She was terrible but she was doing what we needed to survive. She did her best." He doesn't even feel the tears that glide down his cheeks. Time stands still. He stares as they drive by deer. "I think she hit me." Nicole from the library said as much.

"Am I allowed to hate her even though she's dead?"

"Yes." Josh is biting the nails of his free hand. "You can feel however you want, it's valid. What happened is traumatic and what you grew up with... you can hate her and if you don't want to hate her. That's okay too." He leans over and wipes at a tear thats made its way down to Tyler's jaw.

"You're okay baby." Josh tells him, his hand touches his thigh, between his knee and his hip. "You're gonna be okay." 

Tyler sniffs, lifts a hand to wipe underneath his nose and then under his eyes. They're wet, more tears are threatening to spill. He takes a deep breath. "Do you think I should go to the police?" 

A squeeze to his thigh makes him relax. "I think it would give you peace of mind to report it properly as murder. Have it cleared off your conscious a bit." 

"Will you come with me?" 

"Yes,"

They stop by Tyler's house for five minutes and Tyler sends him inside with a small list of things to grab for him before he sleeps over. He can't go inside, not right now, the house. Scares him. The flowers taunt him.

* 

Josh's trailer is small, just like he had said it would be. From the outside it looked a lot bigger but now that Tyler's standing inside of it, he sees why Josh complains all the time. it's tiny, furniture squished to the walls, clutter everywhere because there's definitely not enough storage. But there's enough room for the both of them, it's not narrow in the slightest and there's room for the two of them to move around comfortably. 

It's not awful, Tyler can see himself being comfortable here. Solely based on the fact that he's with Josh and that he's not at his own house. 

"So I guess, welcome to my home?" Josh tries, a small nervous smile on his lips. It's endearing.

He tries to smile and then follows Josh further inside, making sure to properly close the trailers door to avoid the invasion of miskeetos and flies. "It's not as shitty as you made it sound." Tyler admits with a shrug. 

Josh shakes his head. "Sure." He pulls off his sweater and drops his keys on the kitchen counter. "Do you want a tour? Not that there's really much to see but........" 

Tyler nods. "Sure show me around." 

"You can just drop your bags on the couch, i'll help you settle in later." Settling in? Tyler doesn't exactly know what that means considering that he's not actually moving in. He's just staying with him for now but he does it anyways. 

Tyler nods. "Cool." He places his duffel bag on the couch and then slips off his backpack too, letting it fall off of him easily. A weight off his shoulders.

The tour is short. There's not much to see, everything is compressed in a way that's supposed to save space. Josh just shows him where things are, cupboards in the kitchen for plates, glasses, forks, knives, paper towel. All the basics are pointed out for him, most people would forget these things but Tyler hyper focuses on every word that leaves Josh's mouth. The bedroom has a double bed, it takes up a lot of space and has blankets piled on top of it. Tyler wants to be in there, with him, held, safe.

Even the bathroom is sort of okay. The whole trailer is fine, Josh had really exaggerated when he said it was a piece of shit. 

They end up in the main part of the trailer, Tyler sits on the couch. It's comfortable for what it is. The pillow he has pulled against his stomach helps.

"You okay?" Josh is cleaning up, making room for him. The sound of him pouring water onto soapy dishes makes his focus drift to him.

"Yeah." His shoulder cramps up, he presses his hand into the tender muscle with a quiet groan. 

"Hungry?" 

Starving. "A bit." 

"Macaroni and cheese sound okay?" He moves around the little kitchenette, theres space for just him and he uses it accordingly and efficiently. "I don't have much for food right now." 

Tyler tilts his head. "Yeah sounds good." He tries not to sound wavering, scared. 

Josh looks at him, eyes narrowed. "Relax." 

Tyler's body unfolds on the couch, slowly becoming more comfortable. He stretches out and watches Josh. Water boils on the stove, Josh continues doing the dishes while this happens, multi tasking. He's humming always humming and Tyler basks in it and waits and closes his eyes and thinks of relaxation and letting his body go limp and become part of the cushions of the couch.

He passes out for the 10 minutes it takes Josh to make the pasta.

"Tyler." Josh is shaking him, gentle, always soft. He holds a bowl of mac n cheese in his free hand, streaming, a bright orange color. 

Eyes open. Tyler says, "Hi." A yawn escapes his mouth, he pushes himself up until he's sitting and Josh passes him his bowl. Josh stares at him, Tyler wants to kiss him again. 

"Hi." Josh says back, a smile. "How was your nap?"

"Good." Tyler pokes the pasta with the fork Josh had passed him. "Still tired." 

"Right." Josh sits down beside him, their thighs touch. "Do you want to share a bed? or sleep alone?" 

"Share?" Tyler says, takes a bite full of food. "That makes the most sense yeah?" He chews, it does make sense.

"Yeah. You don't mind sleeping beside me? Cuddling? That sort of thing?" Josh looks at him. "I have a tendency to wrap myself around people when i'm sleeping, I usually use a body pillow."

"I've never cuddled anyone before but i'm sure i'll be fine and if i'm uncomfortable i'll let you know and go to the couch."

Josh's smile is gentle. "Deal."

* 

Bellies full, they make their way to the bedroom. It's quiet, no words leave either of their mouths but it's comfortable. Comfortable as they peel away their clothes, Tyler pulls on flannel pyjama bottoms and a hoodie and Josh only slips on a loose pair of basketball shorts and a tank top that clings to him in all the right ways. They both avert their eyes.

Tyler sits on the edge of the bed. "What side?" he falters, looking up at Josh, eyes blinking. 

"Oh," Josh readjusts his tank top, pulling it down more over his stomach, it had been riding up. "Whichever, i'm not picky. I'm comfortable however, honestly." 

Josh disappears in the bathroom for a few minutes, Tyler vaguely hears him brushing his teeth, maybe washing his face. He just sits and yawns and waits for him to come back. 

Tylers hands hold his knees. Josh approaches, crouches down so they're eye level, Tyler swallows. "Is this okay with you? Sharing, you're sure?" 

Tyler lowers his gaze, his eyes land on Josh's hips and then back to his eyes, his lips. "Yeah," He manages.

Josh does the same when he notices. He stares at Tyler's lips. 

Tyler stares right back, licks his own. He leans forward a bit. There foreheads press together, Tylers hands grip his shoulders. "Kiss me?" He whispers. He can't believe he ever felt anything other than good feelings towards Josh. 

"Yeah, okay." Josh's arms sling around him and then he's being kissed, like before but it's better. It's slow, soft, everything, everything. Josh leans into it, pulls him closer, adjusts him. He leads and Tyler has no problem following, he invites it, he enjoys just giving. 

His top lip meets Josh's bottom one over and over and it makes his insides melt, makes his knees feel weak as Josh moves to kneel between them and tilt his head up just enough so they can continue kissing. 

"I like you so much." Josh tells him, presses a kiss against his jugular, than a few more leading up to his jaw. 

Tyler nods. "Yes, yes me too." He puts his hands on Josh's shoulders, lets them slip down until they're on his hips, they hold. 

Josh raises an eyebrow. 

"Up," Tyler leans back on his hands, widening his legs. "Stand up." 

"Okay," Josh starts standing and as he does this he's kissing him again, his tongue pokes its way into his mouth, licks at the warmth he holds. Tyler pulls away, panting a bit. "Bed time."

Josh is smiling. "mhm okay." He turns the lights off and Tyler sighs contently, getting under the bed sheets with ease. Josh stretches his arms above his head one last time before he is crawling into bed beside Tyler. 

*

His dreams are invasive, his mom is in all of them, crying, dying, being buried, gardening, Tyler wakes up only once during the night and Josh is quick to wrap his arms back around him, pull him against his chest and assure him that he's safe. He says things like, "Tyler I have you," and he holds him, like he knows exactly what he needs. 

* 

In the morning, Tyler wakes surrounded by warmth. Josh's hand is on Tyler's stomach underneath his shirt, a nose is pressed to the back of his neck and an alarm is going of indicating its time to go to work. 

Tyler wakes Josh up, prodding against his cheek with his finger until Josh's eyes crack open and Josh envelops him in his arms again. They stay like that for a few minutes until Tyler gets worried about being late. They get ready with ease both falling into their usual morning routines with practiced ease. They mend well together and Tyler is relieved. 

"Coffee?" They're in his car. They decided to take the long way to work, the way in which Tyler can avoid his house. 

Josh presses a kiss to his cheek. "Please."

* 

Work is dull, the gardening aisle is traumatizing.

Tyler stays far away from it and keeps with Josh for most of his shift, as much as their manager would allow anyways. 

*   
They kiss a lot now, distractedly. 

Tyler straddling him on the couch, teasing, touching, smiling. They touch gently and carefully, Josh especially. Tyler follows along but he's not passive, he starts most of it. Pushing Josh to the couch, getting on top of him, or on their weekend drives sometimes he'll pull the car over and climb over into Josh's seat. 

There's quiet moans and frotting and sometimes Tyler will almost come in his pants just by moving against him for an hour or so while they kiss and kiss and kiss. Josh doesn't seem to mind though, he invites it if anything.

*

"I don't think you should go to the police." Josh says one night, Tyler's head is in his lap. They've just gotten back from work. It had been a long day, saturday's are busy, he hadn't gotten to spend his shift with him like he usually did. The question throws Tyler off guard, he tenses in Josh's hold. 

"There's not enough evidence, it happened a long time ago, years. I'm scared they'll try and pin it on you." Josh admits, the concerns Tyler had at first coming full circle, his fingers continue to brush through Tyler's hair, soothing, unlike the words coming out of his mouth. 

"It was your idea." Tyler moves, twisting his body until he can look at Josh from this angle, his head still in his lap, his fingers still moving through his hair. "The man deserves to go to jail. He doesn't get to just kill someone and get away with it. I had to bury her Josh." 

"Are you sure you buried her? Are you 100% sure?"

Tyler frowns, he rolls his shoulders back into Josh's thigh. Sighs. "Mostly. Yeah." 

"Could you live with yourself if you didn't report it to the police when they never even bothered to come investigate?" 

"I could, I'd get over it." He could try.

"Okay." Josh strokes his head again and turns on his tv.

*

He's been living with Josh in his trailer for a month now. Their routines fit well together, they get up together curled up and warm in their bed, Josh is the last one awake always but if he's awake before Tyler he always makes breakfast. They go to work together and on their days off they go on drives out of town.

Comfortable, it's been comfortable but before he knows it uncomfortable questions or conversations keep popping up here and there. Josh asks them frequently often without meaning to but he never says never mind when he realizes he's struck a nerve. 

They're at Mcdonald's when Josh pokes him with his spoon for his sundae and says. "I think we should clean out your house." 

Tyler says. "Maybe." 

And then they're in the car on the way back to Josh's when Josh asks; "Do you still want to live there?" 

Tyler says, his fingers tighten around the wheel. "I don't know."

"I know you don't want to go back, or you're not ready yet but," 

"I've been back for clothes and stuff and I was fine." Tyler stares at the road. "I think i'll be okay to go back. I don't think I want to live there anymore though. It's my childhood home or whatever and clearly that didn't do any good for me. I need to move on from it." His eyes move in on Josh's. "What do you think?"

Josh rubs at his eyes. "I think we should run away." 

"We have your trailer, we can set up anywhere." Tyler chews on the inside of his cheek. 

"Where would you want to go?"

"Not sure."

*

The tv is quiet in the other part of the trailer.

"I think we should have sex." They're in bed, Josh curled behind him, his hand rested on his hip, holding him there, against him. He tenses up. 

"What?" The hand squeezes. Josh stays still behind him. "Is that something you've been thinking about?" 

Tyler says, annoyed. "Yes," and wiggles back against him a bit, gently, flirting. His ass pushes against Josh's crotch. "A lot, with you." 

"Oh," Josh is careful, he presses his lips to the back of his neck, just below his hairline. "Tell me what you're thinking." He kisses the side of his neck, slowly moving so he's leaning on his elbow to get better leverage, to touch him better. 

"You inside of me, me inside of you." Tyler puffs out, shuts his eyes. Josh's fingers delicately trace out his jaw. "How about we start with something else, as much as I love the idea of you inside of me." Josh tells him, he kisses at his jaw again. 

"Anything." Tyler turns in his arms, distressed, so he faces him, breath against him. "I just want to feel good, with you."

Josh stares at Tyler.

Tyler stares back, waiting for something, anything. He doesn't even know where to behind. 

Josh takes over, a bit franticly, he peels his shirt off and then his thumb slips underneath Tyler's and it gets pulled up and off his head. Tyler allows this, his arms go up over his head as the sleeves of his shirt escape his body. His shirt falls to the bed and then Josh is immediately hovering over Tyler and Josh is kissing him and Tyler is kissing him back, hooking his legs around his waist, pulling him close, rubbing their half hard cocks together. 

"So," Josh lips touch his again, Tyler melts against him. 

Tyler's thighs stay open and Josh licks down his body, settling in between his thighs. Josh starts at Tyler's jaw and then works his way to his nipples and then gentle kiss follow the natural trail downwards, all the way to his navel and then lower, lower, lower until he's breathing against Tyler's cock.

Tyler squirms. Josh presses down on his hips, he's stuck to the mattress. Josh mouths at the thin line of hair that disappears into his jeans, nips at the skin. Tyler makes an embarrassing noise, panting. He uses his elbows as leverage, looks at Josh. His face is pink.

"I've never.." Tyler breathes out, he stares up at the ceiling. It's too much. His hips jerk off of the bed on their own accord, his cock wetting the front of his briefs. Tyler's feels it, Josh senses it. 

"That's okay. I'll take care of you." Josh kisses his hipbone, his fingers slowly, mesmerizingly hook underneath his jeans and he pulls them down. Josh sits up with the movement until he can pull them off of him completely. They end up on the floor with their shirts. Josh is quick about his own pants, he pulls them off when he gets the chance. 

There's a kiss first, right at the tip. Tyler bends over at this but Josh holds him there, an open hand against his stomach an anchor., Josh holds Tyler's cock in his hand comfortably, moving it to his mouth, he breathes, blows against the delicate skin there before he squeezes, just enough so that it's comfortable before he swallows him down into his mouth. 

"Fuck," Tyler moans, it's loud, more embarrassing than anything else. "Fuckk." He breathes out, falling back against the bed, giving up on watching and letting himself enjoy it. 

Josh slowly pulls off, his hand replaces his mouth for a moment, it's wet and heat and Tyler thinks he's going to die. He's never felt something so good. "You like that? That was good?" 

"Yes," Tyler's eyelashes flutter, his chest is turning a pale pink color. "Yeah, continue please." 

Josh doesn't laugh, Tyler watches him shiver at the words and he moans when Josh's tongue is back on him. 

There's another lick, a swipe of Josh's tongue at the base and then lower, at his testicles. He mouths at them, his hand working over his cock. Josh doesn't tease him, he gives him everything, everything Tyler could want and Tyler doesn't even have to say a word. Tyler's hand ends up in his pink hair, gripping the curls so tightly it probably hurts but Josh just moans, he moans around his dick and Tyler's hips rock into his mouth and then he's fucking his mouth and it's too much, so overwhelming. "Oh, oh my god, I- jesus christ."

Tyler's orgasm doesn't come as a shock to Josh, Josh continues on and swallows around him. Tyler arches into it and Josh's fingertips press into his ass as his come fills Josh's mouth. He can hear him audibly swallow and Tyler whines against his arm, trembling, shaking. There's no escaping it. 

"Okay?" Josh nips at his hip and then kisses over the very spot. His cock stays wet against his thigh.

"You're-"Tyler pauses, running his fingers down his body until he can cup Josh's jaw. "Come here, come here." 

They kiss, hard, Josh is still hard against him and Tyler shoves his hand into his boxers and wraps a hand around him, thumb circling the tip before he starts to jerk him off. Josh moans into his mouth and Tyler takes the opportunity to push his tongue into his mouth and taste him, taste himself. 

Josh pulls away for a second and spits in his palm before joining his hand underneath Tyler's, showing him what he likes, he rests his forehead against Tyler's shoulder and mouths at the skin there as they both work together to get him off. It doesn't take very much until Josh is coming, shaking on top of Tyler, moaning against him. "There you go." Tyler whispers, enthralled by the entire affair.

He kisses his shoulders and then his neck and Josh grins against him. Tyler stares at his cock, and then at him. "Wow," He says stupidly, no words come to mind. 

Laughter, Josh's eyes squint. "Wow." He pulls him close and kisses him again, pushing him into the mattress again. They kiss lazily, hands drifting everywhere, touching, searching for all the little spots that make them respectively squirm. 

Eventually Josh cleans them up and they pass out wrapped around eachother the moment they're both cleaned of semen.

*

They end up going to his house, eventually. Tyler hates it. The house looks abandoned and soon it actually would be. The tree in the front yard is definitely dying and all the lights are off. It's eery, something straight out of a horror movie and he's not sure how he lived there for so long. 

"Cmon," Josh pushes open the car door, looking back at him. "It'll be fine. It's just a house it can't hurt you." 

"The moving company is coming in 3 hours or so to start moving out the furniture."

Tyler breathes out, tilts his head back. "Okay." 

There's breathing heavily and then there's crying into the steering wheel of his car while Josh rubs his back and shoulders and lets him get it out. He sobs quietly, tears freely falling down his cheeks. His mom is buried there, she died in that house and for years his brain tried to protect him. It was like a damn had broke and it didn't feel like he was repairing it fast enough. He sniffles into the crook of his arm.

A half hour later Tyler had mustered up the courage to go inside, Josh is unbothered and just lets him cope how he can, holds him when he needs it. They hold hands as they go inside and Tyler immediately starts packing his things up. Josh brings in boxes and Tyler only packs things be 100% knows he wants to keep. Most of the things are his moms and he doesn't want to keep anything that reminds him of her. 

The house is small and already vaguely empty, the attic only has 3 boxes in it, all ready packed up, and the rest of the things are easily stuffed into boxes. The harder part is going into his moms old room. Even pushing the door open is challenging but Josh is with him as he does it. 

Tyler stares out the window that overlooks the garden and he sees flowers blooming. All the ones he'd planted. "Well," He looks to Josh. 

"We'll make our own garden." Josh tells him.

"Okay." 

Her room smells stale and Tyler starts to empty her dressers and Josh empties the nightstands. No care is put into storing these items. Tyler finds a few things worth keeping, a baby album being one of the main thing. 

They don't speak and Tylers not sure if he'd be able to muster words even if he wanted to. They make quick work of the room and before they know it everything is in boxes. The rest of the house takes longer, kitchenware and miscellaneous things are packed carefully. Especially the dishwater. 

They move all the boxes they definitely want to keep to the car and everything else they leave by the door, each box piled on top of one another. Tyler throws out everything that had gone bad in his fridge too, nearly forgetting about it until he'd passed by the fridge and almost puked at the smell coming from it. Tyler then remembers all his gardening supplies and nearly pukes from the thought of that too. Josh throws all of it away though. It doesn't matter. 

They're done in maybe an hour and a half, with an hour to spare before the movers come. Tyler sits down on the floor in front of the TV.

Josh glances at the couch then back at Tyler, he pokes Tyler's shoulder from where he's standing. He's wearing Tyler's sweater, one he'd found while they boxed everything away. "Do you want to try something?" 

Tyler raises an eyebrow. "Like.."

"Make a better memory for this couch?" 

"I'm sure the couch already has good memories." Tyler tells him but still lets Josh settle in his lap. 

Tyler considers this and places his hands on Josh's hips, overwhelmed. His thumbs make circles over the fabric of his pants. He leans into him, chest to chest, has to look up at him from this angle. His scruff has slowly been becoming more of an actual beard, Tyler presses a kiss to his chin, gentle. "But we can give it better ones." Tyler blinks at him, waiting, waiting, Josh huffs out a laugh and drags him closer. 

He takes that as a yes and kisses him hard, pressing their mouths together and pushing his fingers into the waves of Tyler's hair. The black dye has completely washed out by now, leaving him with his natural color. They kiss for what feels like a lifetime, slowly, lazily until Josh starts grinding down against his cock and Tyler grips his chin and starts pushing Josh off his lap so he can kiss him easier. 

It all happens faster than Tyler expects it to, Josh kissing him, leading him to the couch, gripping his shoulders, Josh sitting on the arm of the couch, stepping out of his pants as they kissed, stroking his hands up and down Tyler's body. Tyler leans into all of it, craves it. He touches Josh wherever he can reach and ends up on his knees in front of him without Josh saying a word. "Please," Josh touches his head, grips his hair and pulls him closer, closer, closer until Tyler's nose touches him and then his mouth touches him through his boxer briefs. 

He kisses him there, copying what Josh had done to him before, he licks at the fabric, getting it wet with his saliva and then gripping at the shape of him with his hand before Nuzzling into him, against him. Josh's cock pokes at him. Josh takes a deep breath and pushes his hips towards him, an offering, his legs are swinging from where he's sat. "Get these off." Tyler says, he sits back on his knees, tickles behind Josh's leg as he drags his underwear down in a mostly fluid motion. 

He stares for a moments, his cock is big, not unnaturally but big enough that Tyler can tell. 

Josh catches this, he grips his chin lightly. "You're cute." 

"I bet I am right now." Tyler doesn't meet his eyes. Josh's pubic hair is a slight mess but he's unbothered by this as he leans forward a bit and then he meets his eyes and he watches as Josh moans quietly into his palm. Tyler's hands touch his thighs, at the soft hair there and then at his inner thighs as he encourages him to spread his thighs more. Josh is easy, he does it without needing to be told. 

His hands shake just a bit when he grasps his cock in his hand but when he wraps his mouth around the tip and then swirls his tongue downwards they ease away at the feeling of Josh's thighs struggling to stay open. He looks up for confirmation, something, he doesn't know and Josh just pats his head before guiding him back to his erection. 

Tyler lets himself explore a bit. 

When he licks along the side Josh shivers. 

When he focuses on the head of his cock Josh threatens to crush him between his thighs and moans a bit. 

And when he sucks him down into the mouth for the first time after about 10 seconds and the second right after Tyler's fingers had pressed against his balls, Josh squirmed and made a desperate sort squeaking noise before pulling Tyler off of him by his hair. 

"Wha-" Tyler looks up at him dazedly.

Josh pants. "I almost came." He admits.

"Kiss me." He says. 

Tyler does, he stands so fast he nearly falls over but Josh holds him against him and doesn't give him a chance as their lips press against eachother again. Tyler pushes their bodies together while Josh undoes his jeans for him and helps him get out of them before they resuming kissing again. 

His hands wander down to Josh's cock, can't stop himself, Josh moans into his mouth when he wraps his hand around him. "Yeah." He gasps against him. "You're good, so good." 

He only stops when Josh wraps his hand around his wrist and guides us hand down and guides his fingers, lower, lower, behind his balls, Tyler's finger eventually presses against his hole. Josh lets out a soft content noise that quickly turns into a groan as Tyler puts more pressure against his hole, finger moving over the skin there. "You want me there?" He feels his dick twitch against Josh's thigh, he rocks against him.

"Yeah, fuck me." Josh is shivering, trembling against him. 

"Don't we need.." 

"Check the pockets of my pants."

Tyler scrambles to the floor to find them.

A travel size bottle of lube is hidden in his back pocket. Tyler trembles as he uncaps it. "Okay, yeah, yeah." He raises his eyebrows. "Really?" 

"Really." He mimics his facial expression. "I need you." Josh turns around, onto his stomach. He uses to couch to push his ass towards him and brings a knee up onto arm of it to make it easier, better access. Tyler groans at the sight and grabs at his ass, pulling him apart, staring down at his hole. He touches him gently and then remembers the lube. 

Josh tells him what to do. Tyler can easily guess even though this isn't something he's ever done before. He presses his dick against his ass as he gets the lube on his finger properly.

"Get some on your finger and just," Tyler kisses his shoulder and presses the finger against him, stroking at his hole. Josh twitches. "Yeah, yeah just like that but-oh" Tyler lets his finger sink inside just a little just the tip, leaning over Josh's back as he does this. "Fuck me," 

He presses inside with his finger, crooking it upwards once it's inside fully, moving it around. "Like that?" 

"Mhm," Josh's hips roll into the arm of the couch, he grinds down. Tyler twists his finger again, Josh gasps. "Two. Go faster, just go for it Tyler. baby."

"Fuck okay, yeah." More lube coats two fingers now, they're inside of him in seconds, Tyler's goes about it faster now. “Yeah,” They stretch him out, he quirks them upwards and Josh melts into the couch, squirming and rocking back to get more of what Tyler's giving him. 

More lube, then there's three fingers inside of him. Josh is whining, moaning into a pillow. A pillow Tyler's used many many times but for different reasons, sleeping being the main one. "Tyler just-" Josh moans the moments Tyler's cock presses to his hole, slides against him.

More lube, then Tyler's coating his cock and is suddenly pressing inside of him, gripping his hips as Josh pushes back against him immediatly.

"Oh." Tyler nearly falls over once he's fully pressed inside of him, Josh has gone quiet except for the inevitable heavy breathing. He's clenched around him, stretched, if he's uncomfortable at all he doesn't mention it. Tyler loses himself in this. 

He starts slowly, edging himself in and out in a way that would keep him from coming too fast. 

Josh moans and then Tyler wraps an arm around his waist and just rocks into him and fucks him into the arm of the couch. Josh moves back against him easily, pushing against him, meeting each movement Tyler makes with his own. 

"Right there," Josh says. "Oh-" 

"Mhm." Tyler moans. Tyler bites at his ear lobe, then licks at his neck and Josh arches into this. It's so good, hot and warm and loving and Tyler doesn't think he really understood the appeal of sex until this very moment. 

He holds onto him tightly and fucks him harder. Doing this with him, he’s never been so focused on anything like this before, something good, something happy and it’s everything he’s ever wanted. 

"Tyler," He whimpers. Josh is biting into the pillow now, moaning into it and Tyler grips his hips and starts to fuck him deep and slow, letting him settle all the way inside of him right against his prostate, pulling out slowly and then edging in hard. He wants Josh to do this to him next time. He wants Josh to fuck him in their bed in the trailer every single night and maybe sometimes they’ll switch but, my god, he needs this with him. He needs him. 

They don't last much longer, Josh has been rubbing himself up against the couch for long enough that in Tyler's next few thrusts against his prostate he's coming and squeezing the pillow he's found against him for dear life as he releases all over the arm of the couch. 

He clenches around Tyler's cock when he orgasms. “Oh, fuck, fuckk.” and then Tyler is coming too, emptying himself into him as his thrusts slow down and he pants and then moans against his back. 

“I like you so much, so so much.” Tyler murmurs. There’s more panting and content happy little noises and Tyler stays hunched over him, his dick in his ass, his forehead pressed against his sweaty back. 

Eventually he pulls himself out, Josh makes a little whiny sound and then Tyler just wraps himself around Josh properly, burrowing in the back of his neck. 

“We should stay like this forever.” Josh yawns, lazily. He starts pushing himself up before he becomes glued to the couch, Tyler unwillingly following because he’s stuck to his back. “But we cant. We’ll end up glued together.”

They kiss, open mouths and some teeth and smiles and laughter and Tyler needs it and Josh complies, letting Tyler take whatever he needs. When Josh pulls away ever so slightly Tyler chases his mouth and kisses him harder. “Wish we could.” He says when Tyler lets him up for air.

“Next time, we’ll see how long we can just bathe in the afterglow for.” Josh tells him, cupping his jaw, Tyler leans into it. 

Tyler hums, his body settling into the warmth of what just happened.

"I think I want to, go out there." He nods his head towards the backdoor, the garden, pulling his shirt back on. "Just, one more time you know? peace of mind or something like that." His pants slide up his legs next.

"Come with me?" He asks carefully. Unsure.

Tiredly, relaxed, sated, Josh nods. “Of course.” He grabs all his clothes into his arms. “I’m just gonna go to the bathroom real quick yeah? i’ll meet you out there.”

* 

The sun shines down on Tyler the moment he steps foot into his yard. His old yard. The flowers he’d planted last month have all bloomed and he can barely tell where that one flower had stood all tall and alone now that so many of them have grown. 

The garden is still unappealing even with this though, it’s sad, the trees that shape the yard are crumbling and the grass is overgrown with weeds and is in a desperate need to be mowed. 

It’s not as scary as he was expecting but it’s enough to make him uncomfortable as memories surround him. His mom in his arms, burying her, her screaming, the sound of a shovel in dirt.

He sinks into the grass, letting it surround him, the sun kisses his skin as the earth accepts him and he lays down for just a moment. Reflection, he isn’t sure, he can’t stop himself from doing it though. He needs to find peace, find something. The grass is nearly tall enough to hide him. His mom is right over there and really he has no idea what happened to her. It’s vague in his mind and he wishes he knew but there’s acceptance. 

He cracks an eye open when he hears a door open and shut and watches as Josh makes his way down the stairs. The sun shines in his hair and he himself sort of looks like a flower in that moment. But not one that belongs here. 

“How do you feel?” Josh asks him, he’s standing above him, reaching a hand down towards him to help him up. 

“Not as shitty as I thought i’d feel.” 

Josh smiles. “Good. It’s going to be fine.” 

“You’re going to be fine.” He says and Tyler sighs and grabs his hand, letting him pull him up from the grass and into his arms.

**Author's Note:**

> second part posted tmr


End file.
